Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
President Biden announced on Tuesday new coronavirus guidelines that would allow vaccinated Americans to forgo wearing masks when participating in outdoor activities or when not in a crowd.
“When people heard that, people in the street started flashing their mouths like it was Mardi Gras,” Jimmy Fallon joked.
“I’ve got to be honest: I’m going to miss wearing a mask. The adult acne made me feel young, you know?” — JIMMY FALLON
“Aw, yeah! Take it off, baby! Show daddy them nostrils!” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“That’s good news. Where are we on pants; are those still required?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“This is great news for people who love fresh air, but a little late for those who already have the tan lines.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Now we can go back to the good old days of giving each other dirty looks because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, and those people who wear Adidas pants with Nike shoes.” — TREVOR NOAH
“You see, we never needed masks; we already knew how to hate each other.” — TREVOR NOAH
“On the bright side, now we can stop weirdly opening our eyes to greet people on the street.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (Who Charted Edition)
“I’m also glad because now, according to the C.D.C. charts, if you’re vaccinated, you can go eat outdoors now without a mask on, as opposed to before, when you had to wear a mask while you were eating.” — TREVOR NOAH
“The chart ranks activities from safest to less safe to least safe. It’s the same chart people use when deciding between Delta, United and Spirit Airlines.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?” — JAMES CORDEN
“Who designed this chart, the same people who designed those parking signs in L.A.?” — TREVOR NOAH
“I love, as well, if you look, exercise class is the last thing on the list. It’s even like the list going, ‘Look, we both know you’re not going to do it.’” — JAMES CORDEN
“It’s unreadable. You don’t see the forest service putting out flow charts like: ‘No fires, unless the fires are in stone pits, or you come from a long line of firefighters, or you watch the weather and you know a rainstorm is coming in a few minutes.’ No, they say: ‘No fires or this bear is going to eat your [expletive] family.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“And, yes, I know the C.D.C. is just trying to cover all the bases, because maybe there’s a tiny chance you could get corona, even if you’re vaccinated. But if that messaging ends up convincing people that there’s not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all, then we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, which is not something we should do. Or, as the C.D.C. would put it: ‘masked guy in an indoor red zone.’” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
Correspondent Dulcé Sloan delved into the history of female hip-hop M.C.s on Tuesday’s “The Daily Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Mike Lindell, the chief executive of My Pillow, will appear Wednesday on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
Also, Check This Out
Vaccine fan fiction is getting users hot on TikTok.
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