When Katherine*’s parents continued to have contact with her abusive ex-boyfriend, who she had found the courage to leave after the birth of their child, she had no choice but to cut ties.
‘I asked them not to contact him, but they refused,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.
‘This made a very difficult time for me even harder.’
Already having had a turbulent relationship with her mother throughout her life, Katherine found the ‘hurt and deceit’ of having her boundary disrespected overwhelming.
Eventually, after an incident of physical abuse, Katherine decided she would cut her parents out entirely.
‘I decided I didn’t want my baby near [my mother],’ she says.
‘Nothing I said or did was ever respected.’
As Katherine’s story shows, setting boundaries with our parents can be challenging – but vital.
Why is it important to set boundaries with your parents?
It’s important to set boundaries with everybody in your life, whether it’s friends, colleagues, your boss or your partner.
‘All relationships need healthy boundaries, and if they don’t have them, this can lead to varying degrees of codependency, insecurity, self doubt, anxiety, fear, suppressed anger or resentment, shame and withdrawal,’ explains relationship expert and hypnotherapist, Dipti Tait.
When we’re young, it’s our parents who set all the boundaries in our lives, from what time we go to bed to the food we eat and even the people we see outside of school.
But, Tait notes, parent/child relationships are ever evolving and shifting, so it’s important that the boundaries in those relationships are also constantly shifting to accommodate that.
‘It is very important for our mental health to build our self worth, self value and self esteem,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.
Without healthy boundaries, especially during those formative years between childhood and adulthood, she adds, ‘we would find it harder to be independent and self-reliant, and this could cause damage to our self-esteem and emotional wellbeing’.
Why is it so difficult to set boundaries with your parents?
For some people, like Vicky, setting boundaries with parents can be an impossible feat, or at least an uphill battle.
This is because our parents are usually the first people to set boundaries for us, right from the moment we’re born – and humans are creatures of habit.
‘They often had the last word on when we go to sleep, what we eat, who we hang around with, how much time we spend playing or what we spend our time doing,’ explains Tait.
But, as we move into adulthood and begin to find our voice, we might find that our own voice does not correlate with that of our parents.
If our personal opinions and boundaries don’t align with our parents, there may be pushback, particularly if a parent is stuck in their ways.
‘Setting new boundaries easily and without complication depends very much on personality types, belief systems and habitual behaviour,’ she says.
‘With personality types who are rigid and inflexible, it is much harder to change the relationship dynamic, and setting new boundaries will feel threatening to them and there will inevitably be resistance.
‘With personality types that are much more flexible, easy going and open minded, it is much easier to go with the flow as the dynamic changes and as our relationships evolve over time.’
How to set boundaries with your parents
Have a clear message
Be clear about what you are asking for when you are communicating a grievance with somebody else’s behaviour.
Mixed messages are often misread and can be twisted. Stick to your principles and be consistent with your point of view.
Make a congruence check
Always check that what you mean has been received in the way you want it to be received.
Ask the other person to repeat back what they heard from you, so you are both clear about the communication, and there are no crossed wires.
Give them time
Give the other person enough time to make the changes you are asking for.
Do not expect immediate change from someone just because you can change quickly.
Remember that everyone has their own pace and be respectful of the other person’s pace.
Communicate calmly
Always discuss a communication issue when you are calm and the other person is calm.
Preferably in a neutral space and if appropriate give the other person a good heads up that this conversation will be happening.
Not many people enjoy being put on the spot and attacked!
- Dipti Tait, hypnotherapist and relationship expert
When should you cut a parent off for disrespecting your boundaries?
While cutting ties with a friend, partner or even a job that didn’t respect your boundaries feels natural, cutting ties with a parent can feel unfathomable.
But if their behaviour is damaging to your mental health or personal life, cutting down on communication might be the only option where self-preservation is concerned.
‘Cutting ties may sound drastic, but in some cases, this is a very good idea to remove toxicity or break bad habits,’ says Tait.
‘It’s never an easy decision to make, but I suggest having open and honest conversations around the reasons why you have decided to do this and usually, when you stand firm in your own centred space that lines up with your values – you will always be able to hold your head up high with integrity.’
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