DEAR JANE: I had a secret affair with my best friend’s fiancé – now she wants me to be her MAID OF HONOR
- In the latest installment of her weekly agony aunt column, best-selling author Jane Green gives advice to a woman who fears her friend will discover her secret
- She also offers words of wisdom to a college dropout who hasn’t told her parents that she’s no longer in school
- Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below
Dear Jane,
A year or so ago, I found myself in what I thought was the worst situation I could ever be in when I had a weeks-long affair with my best friend’s then-boyfriend.
I won’t go into the finer details of how it happened, save to say we both got caught up in our infatuation with one another and things very quickly spiraled out of control – before we came to our senses, ended it, and agreed to never say another word about it.
Thankfully, we’ve been able to move past it and just get on with being friends, and my best friend never discovered what had happened between us.
Then a few weeks ago, he proposed to her and honestly, I was overjoyed, first and foremost because I want her to be happy, and also selfishly because it made me think that perhaps I hadn’t ruined their relationship entirely.
Dear Jane, I had an affair with my best friend’s fiancé. Now she’s asked me to be her maid of honor and I don’t know how to tell her I can’t
But now she’s asked me to be her maid of honor and I just don’t know how I can say yes. But I also don’t know how I could possibly say no without raising her suspicions.
I would feel absolutely awful standing there next to her as they get married, knowing deep down what I’ve done.
I would die if she ever found out that I’d betrayed her trust like that, but I know she will be heartbroken if I turn down her request.
From, For Better or Worse
Dear For Better or Worse,
I have been thinking about your dilemma a lot, and it is indeed a tough one – and one that requires some nuance.
International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column
You did something that few could approve of, and yet the two of you very quickly realized the gravity of your mistake, and ended things, and it seems from your letter that there are no residual messy feelings on either side.
We all know affairs are awful, but however much we might jump straight to judgement, the truth is we are all human, and fallible. We all make mistakes, and what’s important isn’t perhaps the mistakes that we make, but the way in which we clean them up.
It seems to be that you have appropriately cleaned this up as much as you can without either of you causing hurt to anyone else.
I think it’s entirely natural that you feel guilty, and there is no easy solution here, nor one right choice.
It seems to me that the right solution is the one that harms the least amount of people possible. If declining the role of maid of honor will cause her more harm, which is what you believe to be true, you will need to say yes.
And let’s be honest, this day is not about you and your feelings of shame, but about your friend.
You already know you made a huge mistake, one that you deeply regret. Part of rectifying it, and perhaps the least harmful choice to all concerned, is to put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside, and focus on giving your best friend a wonderful day.
Dear Jane,
I’ve dropped out of college and have no idea how to tell my parents. I was a pretty good student in high school and managed to get a place at a really good out-of-state college, which I know made them so proud.
But once I got to college, I hated it. Hated the classes I was taking, hated the environment, the stupid sorority stuff, the whole culture at the school. Slowly, I just stopped going to classes. I got a job at a local publishing house and focused all of my efforts on that – which ultimately led to me being kicked out of school.
It’s been a few weeks now and I still have no clue how to tell my mom and dad. I’ve had to move my stuff out of my dorm, I’m currently staying with my cousin and sleeping on her couch – and I’m still working in my job, which I love.
But every time I speak to my parents on the phone I have to lie to them about what I’m studying and all the things I’m doing at school. They’re going to be so disappointed and upset with me when (if?) they find out but it’s not like I can keep this lie going for the next three years… can I?
From, Learning a Harsh Life Lesson
Dear Learning a Harsh Life Lesson,
I think you need to take a breath and slow everything down. It’s really tough when you get to school and realize you made the wrong choice, but hating everything about that school doesn’t mean you necessarily need to drop out, but rather you start looking at different options.
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
If only we could go through life making no mistakes, doing no harm, being the perfect mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, friends.
We are all works in progress, all messing up every day, and it’s so important to recognize our own frailties, and focus not on the mistakes, but on the repair.
Whether we have betrayed someone we love, or lied to people because the truth feels so much harder, what’s important is owning our behavior, and repairing it, in a way that harms as few people as possible.
One of my own children found that the school he went to was not the right fit, and decided to transfer to a different school at the end of his Freshman year.
I’m wondering whether you have looked at all the options, considered different schools – and if not, whether you might consider that now, if only to have a full spectrum available to you when you talk to your parents.
Because you are going to talk to your parents, and you do need to tell them that you have dropped out. Sooner, rather than later. Not least because they may well be paying your college fees, and because duplicity and lying are far greater transgressions than dropping out.
College is not for everyone, and it may not be for you, but until you do your research, you don’t know that; all you know is that the school you chose was not the right school.
You may very well love your new publishing start, and it may indeed be the right path for you, but when you tell your parents that you have dropped out, you need to be prepared to argue your case, and your argument is going to be a lot stronger if you have looked at all the avenues open to you and made an informed decision.
Dropping out and taking a job was not an informed choice. It was instant relief, which isn’t necessarily a long-term solution.
Start looking at other schools, and tell your parents as soon as possible, apologizing for lying, and explaining why you are now making a thoughtful and deliberate choice.
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