Everyone has their own set of texting habits. You may be on your phone constantly and reply to things quickly, but your partner may be the exact opposite. Finding that middle ground between your texting habits and your partner’s can be difficult because you’re each used to your own individual habits. Maybe you feel frustrated that your partner doesn’t answer as quickly as you’d like, and they may feel like you reply too quickly, or vice versa. If you’re overwhelmed and wondering what to do if you wish your partner would text you less, you’ve come to the right place. I spoke to three experts about how to go about approaching bae if you want them to text you less, but don’t want to hurt their feelings when you tell them.
But before you decide to talk to your boo, "ask yourself why and what ‘less’ looks like," dating coach Diana Dorell tells Elite Daily. "Is it that you would rather just speak to them when they get home, if you live together for example? Is it interrupting your day?" Letting bae know the reason why is important because they may be more understanding if they can see where you’re coming from. "It’s easier to take if it’s specific like, ‘I know myself, and I get so easily distracted by my phone during the day, and I really need to focus on work…’ versus something like, ‘Why do you text me so much? It’s annoying!’" she explains. So, instead of hurting them by telling them their texting habits are irritating you, here are four other things you could do.
1Don’t respond to their texts so quickly.
When someone texts you, it can be second nature to reply immediately because well, you’re on your phone and it’s quick, so why not? But if your partner is constantly texting you, and you want them to text you less, taking more time in between your replies is a good place to start. "Instead, call them," Dorell says. "Actions and modeling what you do prefer can be a very effective way to communicate this. If they still aren’t getting it, a direct, loving approach works best. Ex: ‘It makes me so happy and excited when we talk at the end of the day as I often miss messages from you mid-day because I’m focused on other things. Can we save texts for the end of the day (or insert whatever you want)?’"
2State your needs.
When you’re starting a new relationship, it can be tricky to figure out how to cope if you’re constantly on your phone all day every day, and bae is not. But the truth of the matter is, "some people are not texting people, the same way some people are not phone people," Stefanie Safran, matchmaking and dating expert, tells Elite Daily. "Just like any situation, you have to state your needs." Once you’ve told your partner what you need from them, you two should find a way to ensure that both parties feel heard, Safran says.
3Don’t belittle how they act or approach them in an accusatory manner.
Just because you’ve become accustomed to a certain set of texting habits, doesn’t mean everyone is going to see it the same way. If you address your partner with an aggressive tone or attitude, they may not be willing to really hear what you’re saying because of the way you’re going about it. "If you want to be heard, state your own feelings and do it in a way that shows you are willing to listen when they have issues with you," Safran advises. "Remember that there isn’t one right way, and you just have to find middle ground to understand each other."
As great as it would be for you if your partner matched their texting habits to yours, that wouldn’t really be fair to them, right? In the same way, you probably wouldn’t want them to expect you to completely change how you text for them. In order for both you and bae to feel satisfied with your texting habits in your relationship, you should both compromise to a certain extent.
"Let them know that you appreciate their bid for connection, but that you’d like to create an agreement with them about expectations," Pella Weisman, licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach, tells Elite Daily. "Be prepared to compromise. Maybe you can text them back during your lunch break, for example. This might help alleviate some of their anxiety if they know when they can expect to hear back from you."
Letting them know when they can expect to hear back from you really helps. My boyfriend is on his phone a lot less than I am, so there are times when he’ll go hours without answering me. Recently, I asked him to check-in with me from time to time if he knows he’s not going to answer for a while, and it’s been helpful. It’s still kind of frustrating, but it’s better than radio silence for eight hours at a time.
If you want your partner to text you less, but you don’t want to hurt them when you tell them, consider these ways to approach the subject. They may still be sightly taken aback, but at least they’ll know where you’re coming from. It’s better to talk things over with them and come to an agreement about how much you’ll text each other than for one of you to sulk while the other wonders what’s wrong.
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