The only reason the Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos divorce is any fun at all is because it substitutes as a lottery fantasy. Because trust me, there are probably at least 12 average middle-aged dudes in the process of divorcing their wives in your town or city right now. Pick one; that dude has probably also texted his new girlfriend pictures of his dick using the same phone he FaceTimes his kids on. Nobody gives a shit about that loser. But Jeff is SO RICH that when People reports that his relationship with Lauren Sanchez, his new girlfriend whom he may or may not cheated with, is “stronger than ever” and “they’re madly in love.” I feel a hot nugget of envy well up in my gut. OVER JEFF BEZOS! I pass this dude on the street, every mother-loving day. He’s walking the family labradoodle, wearing a Patagonia fleece vest, and listening to Radiolab on his ear pods. Absolutely NOT interested. But Jeff, Jeff is so rich.

Jeff is so rich that I’m interested to learn from Page Six that he and Lauren “brazenly” dined together “behind the back of their spouses” as far back as April. My jealousy wants Lauren to pay for what she did to me and my chances of having had the affair with Jeff instead of her, even though I’m not attracted to him in the least and have zero access to billionaires. Page Six says Jeff and Lauren enjoyed oysters and champagne together at Four Seasons Hotel in Seattle.

An eyewitness told Page Six of the April 10 date: “Jeff could have booked a private room, but instead he brazenly chose a table that was front and center — even though Seattle is his hometown, and they could easily be recognized.”

It could have been a business meeting, Lauren owns an aerial production company and was working with Jeff on Blue Origin, his spaceflight company. But a source says there was “giggling” and “close body language.” They were also spotted “making out like teenagers” at a club in L.A. in November. Some sources say that Jeff and MacKenzie separated in the summer while The National Enquirer claims they separated in the fall.

So far, the divorce has been amicable as all get out. I’m not really smelling a scandal here, but since Jeff’s so rich, I light a Scandal scented candle and place it on my “Bezos Bucks” alter every night before bed.

And in case you’re wondering what Jeff sees in Lauren, it’s her “bubbly” and “social” personality.

“She’s very social — always has been and always will be,” the source said. She’s the kind of person who at 49 will still grab a group of girlfriends and helicopter to the desert for a weekend at Coachella.”

Shit, maybe I’m fantasizing about the wrong come-up here. If Lauren can whisk me off in her helicopter on a whim, then maybe she’s actually the catch of the year.


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