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Nancy Pelosi Sends Her Thoughts and Prayers

The fallout from Wednesday’s failed infrastructure meeting continued Thursday with President Trump trying to dispel the idea he had been anything but calm during his three minutes with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi.

“So according to Chuck and Nancy, Trump came into the meeting and completely acted the fool. But according to Trump’s calm Twitter rant this morning, he was chill for the whole three minutes and when he stormed out, it was in a relaxed and graceful fashion.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Well, just for the record, he denies having a temper tantrum by having a temper tantrum.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Pelosi responded by telling reporters she’d be praying for Trump and that she is hoping someone close to him might hold an intervention.

“I feel like Nancy Pelosi has been spending a bunch of time with Maxine Waters because now every time she patronizes Trump, she seems more and more like a black auntie. Have you felt that vibe? Yeah, because first she gave Trump the sideways clap, and now she’s praying for him? That’s the blackest thing ever. [Imitating an older woman] ‘Lord, this crazy man needs Jesus! Mm-mm-mm! He needs Jesus!’” — TREVOR NOAH

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, today, called President Trump’s behavior villainous and said that he is, quote, ‘crying out for impeachment.’ And then she said the Democrats are not on the road to impeachment. Then she said the president’s family should hold an intervention for him. Which is it, Nancy? This is usually the part where the waiter says, ‘Do you need a few more minutes?’” — SETH MEYERS

Yuge in Japan

Trump will be heading to Japan on a four-day trip over the Memorial Day weekend, which Jimmy Fallon joked was “part of his plan to get as far away as possible from Nancy Pelosi.”

“I don’t like it when he leaves the country. It makes me nervous. It’s like being at your wedding and watching your drunken uncle hit on your friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Remember that time President Bush puked on the Japanese prime minister? That’s about to become the second most embarrassing thing a president has ever done in Japan.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referring to President Trump’s plan to present a “Trump Cup” award at the national sumo finals in Japan

“Normally, people sitting ringside for a sumo match are in boxed areas with something called Japanese zabuton mattresses, but putting in chairs was being considered to accommodate Trump, possibly because of Trump’s rumored history with mattresses.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“And after that, if he wants to see two men fighting in diapers, he’ll just watch Bernie Sanders debate Joe Biden.” — JIMMY FALLON

The Punchiest Punchlines (Donald Jr.’s Book Deal Edition)

“This is exciting: Donald Trump Jr. is writing a book. He says the book will cover a number of topics, including his father’s accomplishments in the White House, lies from the liberal media, and tips for greasing your hair with a mixture of varnish and lard.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“D.J.T.J. has not yet announced the title, but I have a few ideas if he’s interested. For instance, ‘Are You There, Dad? It’s Me, the Dumb One.’ Or maybe he could call it ‘Mopey Dick.’ Or perhaps instructional: ‘How to Glue on a Fake Beard.’”— JIMMY KIMMEL

“He hasn’t finished it yet but they already have a working title: ‘The Art of the Douche.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“A source close to Don Jr. says the book ‘will focus on politics, current events and the future of the MAGA movement.’ Current events? I think Don Jr. is unfamiliar with the concept of ‘book.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Bits Worth Watching

On Thursday night’s “Desus & Mero,” the hosts hit the street to find out how New Yorkers feel about Mayor Bill de Blasio and his presidential run.

Also, Check This Out

“Booksmart” opens in theaters this weekend, and in his review, A.O. Scott describes Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut as a “fast, brainy, nasty-but-nice teenage comedy.” “It’s not quite enough to make you wish you were back in high school,” he writes of the Critic’s Pick, “but the affirmative spirit of the movie provides a winning and persuasive counterpoint to the latest dreary flurry of kids-these-days complaints.”

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